The Dude's Journal [entries|friends|calendar] deadnat [ website | Tribute to Dead Nat ] [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

I DID IT! [21 Nov 2004|03:25pm] [ mood | dorky ] [ music | AFI - 6 to 8 ] Heyyy... What did I do? I took a nap... and I woke up... and I felt BETTTER! I can't remember the last time this happened, but its awesome... I always wake up from naps feeling isolated and alone and like I don't know how I'll survive the rest of the day but... nah, man! Anyway... this is going to be my last post on here, I believe, because I've gotten into the myspace thingie a lot more than this, its just more fun. The address for that is uhh... http://profiles.myspace.com/users/10149755 so enjoy. Mmm, licorich. I love my friends... I tell you guys that? You are so great. Yayyyy. 2 Deads|nat's

The good times are killing me! [02 Nov 2004|06:18pm] [ mood | sick ] [ music | Soma - Smashing Pumpkins ] Nothing left to say And all I've left to do Is run away From you And she led me on, down With secrets I can't keep Close your eyes and sleep Don't wait up for me Hush now don't you speak To me Wrapped my hurt in you And took my shelter in that pain The opiate of blame Is your broken heart, your heart So now I'm all by myself As I've always felt I'll betray my tears To anyone caught in our ruse of fools One last kiss for me...yeah One last kiss good night Didn't want to lose you once again Didn't want to be your friend Fulfilled a promise made of tin And crawled back to you I'm all by myself As I've always felt I'll betray myself To anyone, lost, anyone but you So let the sadness come again On that you can depend on me, yeah Until the bitter, bitter end of the world, yeah When god sleeps in bliss And I'm all by myself As I've always felt And I'll betray myself To anyone 1 Dead|nat's

New scenes for my story [12 Oct 2004|08:34pm] [ mood | artistic ] [ music | Me - Supercool ] I no longer knew my part in the grand scheme of things. Perhaps I should have been comforted by the fact that I never had known in the first place, but all I could really think about was how my personal existance only existed to further my own personal self. Was this a good thing? At what point does selfishness become harmful? Here I was, my very life was in danger because some other entity calling himself Bob was determined I needed to be perfect or shot. This was harmful to me. I couldn't find the justification. I just didn't think I was worth it. I also didn't think that I was a good judge of what was perfect anyway. I tried to explain this to Cindy. "If Bob is so worried about his personal beautification, why doesn't he concentrate on himself instead of me?" I asked as we sat on a couple of stools in a cafe the resembled a Starbucks. "You are his self," she told me. "You are his past." "How?" I asked. "I don't believe in time travel." "I don't know, thats what he said." "If he has issues with his past, changing me isn't going to change them. You can't change what is. Life isn't like Back to the Future where you can mess with time and somehow be the only one who remembers. If you hooked up your parents, they would have always had that memory of you, because there would never have been a time when you didn't." "But you could change the present by changing the past," Cindy said in an agreeing tone. "No! You couldn't! Thats what I'm saying!" "I don't get it." "If I decided I didn't like Abraham Lincoln and went back in time to shoot him, it wouldn't change anything." "Yes it would! He would have been killed!" "He was killed!" I said in a desperate voce. "How did you do that?" I covered my face with my hands. "Well," Cindy began to form another thought I knew wouldn't help me, "what if Bob likes his past, and his memories from the past are the memories of you, with him doing this?" I uncovered my face. "Nice," I said. "So why won't you let me kiss you?" "I told you before. I already know you Bob, better than you do. I don't want to get hurt again." "You aren't exactly helping me restore confidence in myself here." "Maybe confidence isn't what you need," she told me as she kissed my cheek. "Why can't you forgive me?" I asked. "Let go of the past. Give me another chance." "I don't know how to forgive," she told me as she got up and left. "What else do I have to do to become perfect?" I asked. "You've never asked that before," I heard an answer. "I always ask that," I argued. "No, you ask what you need to do to survive. You want to know what I want you to be?" "Perfect?" I asked. A few people were looking at me for being schizo. "No one is perfect," he told me. "Thats what I say," I told him. "I want you to be a good person. I want you to do what Jesus says." "And whats that, exactly?" I asked while looking at the people curious as to my sanity. "You got to love everybody, make them feel good about themselves." "Then what?" I asked. "Then you'll be worthy of having more power than any person in existance." "More than you?" I asked. "You are me." "Where did you come from?" "Thats something you'll have to find out for yourself." "I'd like to meet this Bob guy," Ryan said when I finished telling him about my last conversation with myself. "He could answer a lot of my questions." "Yeah, well, good for you," I said. "So what do I do?" "Look, no offense dude, but I've had this conversation several times with you already. It kind of feels like anything I say is wasted. Usually after you've been alive this long something happens and you come back having completely forgotten everything." "What happens?" I asked. "Your friend Sam thinks its funny that you are like Kenny and decides to kill you for fun, you disobey the almighty Bob's orders, or you do something illegal and someone decides to kill you. Or you get bored and kill yourself." "Great options," I said. "But I want to live this time." "Yeah. And the difference between every other time is?" I shrugged, he continued. "All we ever talk about is Bob, Bob, Bob. We never talk about Ryan." "What about you?" I asked. "Ever notice you aren't the only mind in this universe that is trying to reach a higher enlightenment? I want the power as much as you do. Difference is, no one is going to kill me if I get it." "Yeah they will. There is probably a whole agency devoted to killing Orville. I'm sure they're bored of it by now and would love a new target." "Kill her? Why?" "Why do you think she is always invisible on camera? She's invisible to everyone but us. Every time other people have seen her, she's been shot." "But why do they want to kill her?" "No one is supposed to have as much power as she does. Its illegal." "Where does the power come from?" Ryan asked. "How do you use it?" I shrugged. "I think I just ask Orville for something and she does it." "Doesn't work for me," Ryan told me. "Why?" "She doesn't like me." "What would you do if you had unlimited power?" I asked him. "I'd figure it all out. I'd search for God, for love, for humanity. I'd find out the answer." "The answer is 42," I told him. "Whats the question?" "Exactly. Well, sounds better than what I would do. Fucking around with other versions of yourself as if expecting one of them to magically mutate from the ooze and show you your best self is stupid. A person is who they are. Experiences shape a person, but the soul is the same." "I'm not the one you should be telling this to," Ryan reminded me. "Fucker can hear me anyway," I told him as I stood up to leave. "Where you going?" he asked me. "To get you a bit more power," I said on my way out the door as I ran into Orville. "Hey Orville," Ryan greeted her. "Please come in." "Thank you," she said as she sat next to Ryan. "Sit, Bob." I obeyed, and she put an arm around Ryan, laying her head on his shoulder. "You want power?" she asked him. "You heard me." "I know this. Why do you think I haven't shown you how to control the world around you already?" Ryan shrugged. "You don't love me?" "Because you are just like me. You'd go around fucking with people. You do anyway, but with less power you cause less harm. Bob, however," she paused as she got up and put her head in my lap. "You deserve it because you go around helping people, and that is who should have the power. But I've given unlimited power to you before," she told me. "So can I have it again?" I asked. "Don't you want to know how you lost it?" she asked. I shrugged. 'The same people who are trying to kill you?" I asked. "Nope," she grinned at Ryan as she put her fingers through my hair. "Bob?" "Yeah. You did." "Why?" I asked. "You realized you couldn't help people and decided you should start over. Absolute power corrupts absolutely." "Why did you give him the power though? Couldn't you tell by the other Bob that he would just go around trying to make himself better?" "I didn't know the other Bob then. All I knew was this Bob, and he had the purest heart I could find." "What makes a pure heart?" Ryan asked, almost miffed that Orville was giving me so much attention. "Helping people is bullshit. You can't say he wants more for mankind than I do. I'd make the world a better place." "In this case, a pure heart is not having the overwhelming desire for more power and control. Bob was content in himself." "What ever happened to that, I wonder?" I asked. Orville laughed as she began to take off my pants. "Not on my couch!" Ryan yelled. He paused. "So thats how the other Bob was created. You were given power." "Now I want to learn how to do that again," I said. "Why?" Ryan asked. "So I can fight myself," I said. I waited to make sure I was still alive. "Tell me how." "When I told you that you killed yourself, I mean your other self killed you." "Oh." nat's

Get this! [12 Oct 2004|12:01pm] [ mood | Like a pretzel ] [ music | AFI - Miseria Cantera - The Beginning ] I just watched the coolest movie ever! It was by Charlie Kaufman, the only guy who gets credit for writing screenplays because they're fucked up. This one happened to be good though... Jim Carrey, and he wasn't a comedian... called Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Jim Carrey not as a comedian... doesn't that sound terrible? I only watched it becaust Kim told me it was her favorite... but yeah, its great... in a very roundabout way, it shows how relationships suck and they eventually end. Kim Carrey... fuck I mean Jim... realizes that his girlfriend erased her memories of him... and he's like... fuck! And gets the procedure done too, but realizes halfway through, as he goes through memories of them, that he doesn't want them erased... and finally at the end they both realize that they erased each other's memories, and they don't know each other, but they have each other taped talking about what they hate about each other, and they're like, whoa, that really sucks. No wonder we erased each other.. and they're like... well, this isn't going to work. And then they both just say... "Okay." Thats the only open ended ending I've liked... but I'm surrounded by fruit flies (in other words... gnats) and I kill like dozens a day, literally and there is always one in my face because I think they're attracted to my exhaling gasses for some reason, so they're always flying right up my fucking nose and its terrible. Whats weird, is this one of those movies that I wish I had written. In fact, I had the very idea for it and its in my story but... I didn't get it this good. They did it right! Yay! I love it when they get my ideas right. So, just another one of my ideas are going to be considered plagairism. But I don't mind because it was fucking brilliant. I'm listening to a song by Modest Mouse that is talking about God and asks... "Well who would wanna be such a control freak?" And its a good question because in my story, the character eventually gets unlimited power, and has control almost like God, and he realizes he just fucks things up. Is my character a control freak? Perhaps... I don't know, I used to think he's me, but he's not, not till the very ending, then he is me, after he has gone through everything, even though I haven't gone through anything. And I thought oh well this is all just a weird surroundings to be in but now I'm wondering if he really wakes up in a kind of heaven, and if the whole story is metaphorical for religion and life... but that sounds like a FUCK I just slapped my face because a gnat was headed for my nose... owww... why I don't I close my door so they stop coming in my room? Fucking fruit flies I hate them so... they breed in my mom's pots in the soil and she refuses to take them out and just bitches about them like I do. Its stupid. Ever go to church? I find it necessary to entertain myself there, to distract myself, and the best way is music... so while sitting in church it was more like I was putting on a concert at a friend's house on the fourth of july and playing all these songs and everyone was like, thats cool. I think most people have sexual fantasies in church because thats the one thing you aren't supposed to do, but I came to grips with being in a "holy" place that its the same except for what people expect of you so now I don't care... fuck what people think. I'll act the same way where ever I go. Or I'll act the opposite... who cares? But these flies need to stop dying... I keep killing them and its like they ressurrect, one at a time, slap, death, another one. If I were God and these were people I would just blow up the world. And thats why I'm not God, get it? Because if I were, things would be fucked up. And thats my whole point of the story, the world isn't fucked up. The world is perfect. Its ex FUCK YOU GNAT actly the way it should be, anything different would fuck it up. Oh, you're upset about your friends being bitches? Its okay. Everything is good. Even if it doesn't all lead to happiness, so what? We have forever to be happy. Enjoy your pain, becaause it won't always be there. This song is one of my favorites... and I have over 400 favorites, mind you. Its the end of Vanilla Sky... trippy ass movie no one liked besides me, where Tom Cruise realizes that his whole world has been a dream... and he turns to the girl he loves and says "Look at us. You're dead, and I'm frozen. And I love you." And his deformed face from when Cameran Diaz killed herself with him in the car becomes normal, because he realizes its all in his mind, and he kisses her and says "I'll see you in another life, when we're both cats," and he realizes that the girl doesn't fucking exist, and its the saddest thing ever... its like, if I realized that all my friends were only based on people and I had been creating them, I would fucking cry because I love them so much... and without them everything would be pointless. So he jumps off the high building, hoping he'll wake up from his dream... this song fucking rules. A while ago I said I'd dedicate an entry to each friend, and then I instantly forgot that I was doing so... and well, this one goes to Shayna. I don't really know Shayna. I think I've met her three times in my life. The first time, I picked up her and her friend in Healdsburg with Phil and she went through my CD case saying "crap, crap." And I agreed, most of my CDs were the ones my brother burned for the canadian but took back and I threw in the CD case because I like free shit. Only thing was, most of the CDs she said were crap were the ones I liked. But thats okay, we both love AFI so we settled on that. And no one likes AFI, so thats no small thing. We drove to Carl's, and she fucking threw out a 32 ounce cup of soda of my window. Now, I'm against littering and all, I've done my share of picking up other people's shit and its like YOU FUCKING RETARDS! TRASH CANS ARE NOT ENDANGERED! HOLD ONTO YOUR FUCKING TRASH ONE MORE BLOCK TO CARL'S! But then again I hate it when people leave their shit in my car... its so disrespectful. A car is like someone's room... you don't walk into your friend's room and leave your shit everywhere. If you did, they'd yell at you. Same with a car... take your fucking trash! And yeah, I guess I'd prefer people throwing their non biodegradable shit out my car than leaving it in there for other people to say "Eww, man, you need to clean out your car..." Hey, I'm not the fucker stuck in the backseat. Trash it as you please, don't blame. me. But Shayna fucking threw out her 32 ounce bottle at a stoplight when the light was RED. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THIS GIRL? You do not litter at a stoplight! Surrounded by cars! At least check to make sure there isn't a cop parked behind you... motherfucking brilliant... So we drop by Carl's, and I meet Midori without realizing it. We go back to Jeff's and he is like wheres my burger? And I'm like fuck I wish I had got him one cause he deserves it more than anyone, working on the trailer all day. We decide to watch a movie and Shayna says "Fight Club!" and I'm like... okay, the litering is completely forgotten, thats the coolest girl ever that likes Fight Club... it is my favorite movie, after all. So we watch it, the five of us on Phil's small futon and we all get comfortable and I have an arm around Shayna and my head rests on her comfy chest and I'm like... yay for Fight Club! It was great. Next time I see her, we go to her house. I eat all her pizza, we go swimming, she claims I mollested her though I don't remember doing so (what a waste!) and we watched, yeah, FIGHT CLUB! WOO! Again... its such a great movie. I don't care, I've seen it fifty times already... its the most re-watchable movie ever. Next time I see her, we go to the beach, its the best time at the beach cause we have a picnic and seagulls attack us Shayna almost pukes cause I drive fast around the corners and when we're back at Jeff's trailer, we watch Jeff and Midori play Mario Cart, with Midori drinking an entire gallon of orange juice mixed with vocka and hicupping everywhere. Shayna lays next to me on Phil's futon, and I put an arm around her, and we don't say anything... its like the best moment ever. I haven't seen here since then, probably a month ago, but we talk all the time, and she's exactly who I thought she was, she is awesome... she should get an award for life but the catagory would be "Most Shayna-like" and her speech would be goofy and over the top and they'd cut her off less than a quarter through it for commercials. But it'd be a great fucking speech. If Shayna were a song, what would she be? She'd be "No Woman No Cry" by Bob Marley. Of course you know it, Bob rocks. She's chill but mysterious, like she's got something going on because every story she tells is fucking cool. Most of all, she's just got a great vibe. Every time you hear it, your heart beats differently, and you stop whatever you are doing and thinking, and try to place where the song takes you, and you don't have a specific memory, you don't care, you just realize, this is it... this is where I want to be. Its everything. 1 Dead|nat's

Bitchin [10 Oct 2004|09:37pm] [ mood | contemplative ] [ music | Ohh thats whats missing ] Yeah, ever meet me when I'm a bad mood? Hello. My name is Nathanael. Fuck the Beatles. I'm tired of people like my mom. People who get stressed because of something, like the upcoming trip she and my dad are going to take, one of relaxation and recreation, an actual vacation. My mom is unable to take a vacation. I have horror stories of family outings... all about my mom, basically... no, not true... I was dragged for three months with my dad because he thought it would be cool to climb the highest point in every state. I did 36 and it took me three months. All my mom did was piss in a gatoraid bottle and then throw it on the window to clean it, then laugh for five minutes while everyone in the van glared at her. The window was open on my brother's side... hahaha. Okay, not horrible, but, fuck. All those vacations could have been fun if my mom could just learn to relax. Thats her thing... if there isn't anything big going on, she runs around in circles freaking out. What is that? Is it because she was denied any sort of fun activity in her childhood? Sitting around and relaxing should be a natural human thing, not just something some of us can enjoy. Anyway, this sort of thing causes my mom to be a total bitch. She was yelling at my dad for scheduling her to spend the day with my dad's cousin... even though she told him to... and she was like I meant the other cousin! And went on for like ten minutes about why it was my dad's fault. I say, who gives a fuck. But thats the problem.. you give a bitch any room at all, or ignore them, and they get ten times worse. My dad actually apologized. Yeah, he said "I'm sorry". Her voice instantly got louder and she was like WHY HUH WHY? And he was like I'M SORRY and it was no good at all... I was like... fuck. I hate bitches. So this went on for like ten minutes and really pissed me off because the only reason I am here at the church is to show my dad how to burn CDs but since my mom decided to be a fucking bitch all of a sudden, he had to leave to apologize to her more, which is a never ending thing... and what does this do? It means I'm burning his fucking 6 cds for him. And no one happens to be online. So thats why I fucking hate bitches. In the words of that one band that sang that one song... "Stop the world! I wanna get off!" fuck classic rock... ooo, Nirvana. Why is Nirvana playing on this classic radio station? I'M NOT THAT FUCKING OLD! Motherfucker... Regrets... do you have those? Are there things you wish you had changed? I don't... I mean, I probably did but I said fuck it about everything. Its like... all the mistakes I did, I kinda knew I was doing them at the time. So its like... if I had the chance, I'd do them again. So fuck it... are those mistakes? Yes, but... whatever. I'd do them again. And I will. So would I change them? I won't. So no. Fuck regrets. Do or do not. There is no try. But one thing I would do, is if my mom walked in and started bitching to my dad again, I wouldn't sit and act like it wasn't my fight, because it is, I'm the one sitting here bitching about it.. I'd stare at her. Thats it... just look at her like she's crazy. I don't know why, but that always work when people are bitching... see, no one is staring at me so I'm still going.. ha. Thanks Shayna for distracting me. Woopie! 1 Dead|nat's

Tired ramblings (beware!) [09 Oct 2004|07:01pm] [ mood | calm ] [ music | The Darkness - Love Is Only A Feeling ] I wrote a buncha stuff but it was unreadable... so why don't you write for me? Say whatever you want... tell me your favorite memory of me or why I'm a poser or the reason you didn't give it up to me when you said you would. Click on the "nat" below this and tell me whats up. 1 Dead|nat's

Whining is bad! [07 Oct 2004|12:35am] [ mood | chipper ] [ music | The Cure - Just Like Heaven ] Everyone has their own crap to deal with, the only thing that people see in each other is how we express it. There are the people who hide it but everyone else knows it there... there are the people that put it up as a block against everyone else, then there are the people who ignore it... they just go on with their lives and deal with their crap silently... then there are people who do what I think is best, to have it out in the open, not as a way of looking for sympathy but as a way of finding of ground, of showing the crap we have together to compare it and realize we aren't alone and weird but that everyone has the same crap, we just need to deal with it. Best quote I've heard in a long time: Me: Kim, how are you so positive? Kim: I try to focus on the bad things, because there are so many happy and funny things. I think the only way to have a good relationship with one's self is to have an enormous sense of humor. When you mess up, you have to be able to laugh at it. You're stuck with whatever you have, from beauty to brains... its like... all you girls out there... where were you when I had braces? Before this summer I didn't know any of you. Ha. But its cool, because it was fun to have to actually earn attention... now its there and I'm like... WTF? Except I try too hard sometimes and people get confused and think I like them more than I do... and I'm like... what? This is what I had to do when I had braces just to get you to talk to me... but I still think its funny. Every time I hit my head on the door in Phil's trailer or get dissed or rejected I laugh, not because pain is funny, but... I dunno. Its just great. The sense of humor though, it carries over with dealing with everyone... its like, say you're drunk and you ignore me, or you even tell me "Get away from me!", I laugh. And if you tell me you love me, I laugh. Because I don't think life is about the big things, the I love yous and the fuck yous, I think its about the little things... we can be in love with each other and hate each other, but everything in between, thats what I care about... The Apostle Paul insulted a church in a letter saying "You're all lukewarm!" Because they weren't hot or cold for anything. People don't care about religion when there is nothing going on in their life. When they're happy they don't go to God and say "WHY GOD WHY?" because they hope they had something to do with it... and other times when they're miserable they may also blame themselves... but its the hot and cold that do something. Everyone who doesn't care, who is happy where they are is worthless... but thats where I am. I'm in the middle... not room temperature... I don't want to be a friend to people the same as all their other friends, I want to be above that, but I'm never the meanest or best person in their life... everyone has someone more important than me in their life... but... I don't care... I just like what I share with people, the fun times and boring, when we're so comfortable around each other its amazing, and when we'd rather be anywhere but with each other because its too unbearable and only proving what we had worried about all along... but all of it, its all funny. I laugh at everything... thats not my goal, its just my method... when people say "You're laughing at me, aren't you?" I'm always like, no, I'm laughing with you. Thats the point. Life is funny... let's laugh together. If we are but actors that are funny, let us laugh at ourselves. If we are enemies, let us laugh at each other. And if we are lovers, let us laugh together. I'm tired of the hot and cold... all the work and worrying and stress, and doing so much work for something just to get it and think... wow, that was easy, and think everything else will be but then spend a year with nothing working... I love my friends because I can call any of them up and say I love you and they'll say thank you, I love you too. And I believe it, both ways... its like the Presidents song... "You gotta love everybody and make them feel good about themselves" and I love helping people, or at least trying, but you know whats the greatest? Being helped... being around someone cooler than you who is so great that they make you great too, and you don't even notice. Nothing I have said is amazing or spectacular... its fucking boring... but what I mean is... I love my friends... I love you guys. Thanks for being a part of me. I wish I was as great as you. Thank you. 1 Dead|nat's

New respect for all of you who are awake at 8:00 [05 Oct 2004|07:59am] [ mood | crazy ] [ music | Sigur Ros - The Nothing Song ] Holy crap! How can anyone be awake at this hour? Its like going to the dentist to get teeth pulled when you don't need any teeth pulled. Ah! I thought I'd try something new, writing in the early morning. Oh wait, I always do that, except its the other early morning, the kind where I just woke up... eww. Damn... I feel like hitting cute cotton tail bunny rabbits, I feel like drowning kittens... I feel like incinerating puppies. Bah! Do I have anything but complaining to do? I don't know... I just hate mornings. Yesterday I skipped the morning by waking up at 1:00. So why did I wake up 5 hours earlier than normal? Because in 25 minutes I'm going to be making egg sandwiches and then handing them out to like 500 people who live in poverty. I wish I was happy that I was doing this, but truth is, when I'm tired, I'm just fucking tired. And I can't sleep when I know I have to wake up... maybe thats all of your sleep problems, the fact that you have to wake up in the morning. I think no one should have to do that... we should, as a society, have the freedom of waking up at 1 every morning. Or at least noon... maybe 1 is a little much. Wouldn't we all be so much happier? Yesterday I was happy, and I didn't do anything like feed 500 people. Its like my song called "The Dopest Plan Yet" (which has had 250 downloads to date) that has a line in it... "So I fed these homeless dudes chicken that had tumors for free... they tried to bone this cute chick I was working with and share some with me. (Thanks guys!)" That line actually was about this same thing I'm doing today... getting a big truck that has a novelty horn that the driver loves to hit every time he drives by my house (that I am able to sleep through very contentedly) and we make stop at all the small farming towns around that have people who are hungry enough to wait in line for a damn egg salad sandwich that I made. Hey, at least someone likes something I made, right? That should cheer me up... *starts to cry* Maybe I'm supposed to get some caffeine or something? I don't know... but all you early morning saints, I salute you. 1 Dead|nat's

Kill the jews [04 Oct 2004|12:19am] [ mood | sleepy ] [ music | Foo Fighters - Hey, Johnny Park ] Alright... alright get this. Its 12:22 and i'm tired as fuck. I woke up at 10 this morning, nuff said. But... I'm depressed. Why? Because I won't see any of you fine people until the 22nd. Isn't that crap? Well, it'll be all built up and I'll give everyone a hug and then we'll all stand around looking at the ground avoiding each other's eyes and think... who the fuck is this? Or not... My mind is borderline not making sense, I'm trying to get out the clarity before it fades... oh fuck there it goes. Well, did you come here looking for clear, concise thoughts? NO! Because you already know them. Welcome to Nat's subconscious. Or, at least, unconscious... Last summer, I was riding in the back of Jimmy's truck.. no, wait, I was in the front... only time I ever got the front seat because my brother was in the back with the Canadian... and Jimmy was talking about girls, as is often the case... and he said "I don't like boobs all that much. They're cool and all, but I like everything... legs, ass, stomach... what about you, Nat?" (How can you not like boobs? This goes along with theory that Jimmy is a flaming homo because when someone talks about nothing but girls I get suspicious) and I said "Oh yeah, boobs all the way, nothing else matters." That night, I woke up, and I realized the fucking Canadian was holding my hand to her boob. I pulled my hand away, she gave me a hurt look and climbed onto my friend Travis' bed and they cuddled all night... I tried sleeping but the ground was hard... all I thought about was how my fucking "friend" Abe wouldn't answer his door so that I could sleep there away from the evils of Canada. So I got up and ran to the top of the hill behind wal-mart which usually takes me an hour in 24 minutes. Whats the point? Fuck if I know. Thats the problem with my stories... and Kim pointed this out to me, only she was talking about herself... well, she is like me, so her talking about herself is like she was talking about me... thats whats cool about us, we can talk about ourselves and other person will be interested... what the fuck was I talking about? Oh... the problem is, I'll be trying to prove a point, but everything is distracting and I go off on some other story and forget what the fuck I was talking about in the first place. Why is this a problem? Let me demonstrate. Here is what I think of alcohol. I was in Nevada, at my friend's sister's 24th Birthday party. Everyone there hates people from the next town over (and I understand why, once 10 of them jumped out of the back of a pickup truck in an attempt to fight me, two friends and a girlfriend... what pussies!) so the girl that was from the next town over was being treated badly. I, however, don't give a fuck about politics because I'm from California and I can't do whatever the fuck I want... so I go up to the girl and she says "You're tall!" and I say... "Yeah. Whats your name?" and she tells me but I'm already spaced out, thinking about how much she looks like my first girlfriend, a girl I met on the internet who lived in North Carolina... then I think, wait, what did the girl from North Carolina look like? And then I think, oh, they're both blond. She keeps talking to me, and I realize I'm talking back but I can't hear what I'm saying... and I think, I must be drunk... but then I think oh! Wait! I haven't drinken anything yet. My friend Sam's girlfriend, who is mean to me but considers me her best friend says "You haven't ever got drunk! Here, have my hippo." So I take a few sips out of her hippo and everyone is like yayyy! Nat had some alcohol! My friend Sam runs to the top of the hill in an attempt to race Tyler down in the dark. Once, when I was 7, while rafting down the river I saw a guy try to drive a quad up this exact hill and three quarters up flip backwards, and not let go as he rolled at least twenty times front over back to the bottom of the hill. I don't really care much as Sam says "Okay, go!" and Tyler jumps off the hill and rolls all the way down on a bunch of rocks, but I was in charge of his hippo so I finish it off for him. I get down to the campfire again and the girl there is staring blankly into the fire. I incite conversation by saying something, but she doesn't hear me. Nate... are you drunk? Sam's girlfriend asks me. I stumble... yeah! I'm fucked up! I say. She glares at me. I once had a conversation with her about how her heart was broken when Sam once kissed another girl when they weren't even going out and she tried to convince me why this validated her extreme jealousy. After, she gave me a huge hug.. but when I returned a week later, she glared at me again. I'm sleeping with you tonight, the blonde tells me. I nod. The birthday girl walks up to me. Hey, she says. "We need someone to drive us to get some more booze." I'm like no, I'm drunk... and she says "Are you mocking me?" (because she had tried giving up drinking beer twice that day already, and had not been without a 24 pack a day for several years) and I was like... no, I guess the hippos hadn't affected me at all. Weird. So I take Cory's Honda, (yeah, Hondas are pussy cars but have you ever driven one? They're great fun... over 200,000 miles and its still fun to take offroads... by the way, Cory is Sam) and drive all the way to Yerington where the clerk doesn't even ask for ID as I buy two twelve packs and a couple bottles of some peach schnopps and Mike's Hard Lemonaide... and all the way the birthday girl wants to hear Greenday... and I love greenday, but I'd already heard this international super hits three times... And we get back, and everyone asks "Where the fuck have you been?" and I'm like... you're all drunk. And they're like... oh yeah. And right then another girl promised her mom she'd be home by midnight so I drive her too but in Dick's truck and she's drunk as fuck and horny too and she's like thanks for the ride and I'm like yeah and shes like hey I remember you didn't you run through the mexican party only wearing an american flag for a cape? And I was like yeah and she was like you want a blowjob? And I was like nah. So I get back and my brother tells me he already lit off the fireworks we had been saving since the 4th that Jimmy gave us and tells me how great they are and I'm like fuckkk and Sam's been gone for half an hour so I go to look for him because he passes out whenever he is quiet for more than like thirty seconds... so he had wondered off about half a mile by then looking for mountain lions to crush with rocks so I yell SAMMM and he yells BOBBB but then passes out and this goes on for several minutes until finally he wakes up and he's standing about two feet from me and he was like oh thank god you're here I thought you were a nazi and you could tell I'm jewish because of my star of david tattoo and I was like nah lets go back and hes like okay. I found out I missed, once again, drunken boxing, though they prove they had done so by the dents in their ribcages... and Sam downs two twenty four packs and three 40s of beer So I retire for the night with the blonde chick and she cuddles with me but I had been warned that "everyone in gardenerville has tons of STDs!" so I just sit and listen to the fucking greenday album played over and over and haven't listened to Greenday since. Except I like their new album. Weird. What the fuck was the point of that story? Exactly. But, see, there is one... Sam is like, my bestest friend... maybe not, but he's the coolest... and I haven't heard from him in six months because he's a fucking alcoholic. So thats what I think of alcohol. Its fun, but don't abuse it. 1 Dead|nat's

A bullet for every panda that won't screw to save its species [01 Oct 2004|12:13am] [ mood | drunk ] [ music | The Shins - Caring Is Creepy ] Phil, the only person who has yet read this "journal" thingie (well, I assume he read it, he probably just put up the gay pictures, giggled, and closed the thing) told me that this was "Too damned long!" and I should, like, write less. Well... I know, simpler is better and all that, but the whole point of this is to write a ton of shit. Because I'm not the kind of person who sits around watching TV and doesn't really have anything to say except a bunch of opinions about how stupid the world is and how everyone is big. I'm the kind of person who is quiet all day, doesn't say a word besides "Where's the cheese?" all day besides a couple of two hour long phone conversations and the entire day spent talking to people while listening to music... well... I guess that is a lot but... whatever. I write long ass bitchy e-mails to people telling them how much I love them and all it does is freak them out, they think I'm more attached to them than they are to me or something... but thats not what I mean, man... I love you! But not like I want to marry you or something crazy. "I love you" means I'll listen to you when you whine about how stupid the world is. I love you means I'll remember your birthday. It means I'll save you the trouble of finding a long ass e-mail that you feel obligated to respond to. See, this isn't personal. This isn't to you (though it would end up in your mail box) and you don't have to respond to it. Cool, huh? Yeah... But what the fuck is there to write about when its not to a person? I can't say oh well I hope you have a great day at school tomorrow... well I guess I can... DO IT! Hmm... but guess what? I don't have school tomorrow. Thats soooo cool! You wanna know whats up in my life right now? Huh? Do ya? Okay... I guess. I'm living in Nat purgatory. Imagine this... you wake up whenever the fuck you want, you go to sleep whenever the fuck you want, you have no obligations to be anywhere or do anything at all. All day. You have great food, you have an awesome family, and you aren't in prison. Sound a little too good to be true? IT IS! Trouble in paradise? Its like... watching that stupid Tom Hanks movie... remember how unhappy he was on that island? What was wrong with him? That looked FUN! I'd have an awesome week on that island! Just give me my friends and we'd LIVE! That would be the SHIT! But... oh. He doesn't have any friends. AND SEE THATS MY POINT! I'm fuckin... friendless. No one stops by and says hey is Nathanael around? We're going to go play jump rope. NOTHING! No one knows me! I don't exist according to everyone within 3 hours in a radius. So... what? So there aren't any responsibilities. And where does that leave me? Not bored with nothing to do, it leaves me with a bunch of stuff I want to do... stories, screenplays, songs, albums, projects.... all unfinished. And why? Because I could do them anytime. There are no due dates, so nothing gets done. I've been working on my GREAT story for 7 years now. And how many pages to I have, you ask? 50. And they aren't even good pages. I have the complete story in my mind, the main character finally realizes that he is the bad guy and that the villian, his rival, is the good guy, and he gives it up, making them both good. BECAUSE THEY'RE BOTH HIM! AHAHAHA! I'm crazy. Thats why I didn't write in this thingie last night, because I was CRAZY! I mean... loony out of daffy. Who is cooler, Daffy or Donald? I think Daffy because theres one cartoon I have where he takes on the Nazis and wins. Thats a cool duck right there. But seriously, if I talked to you yesterday, I was cracked wasn't I? Aww, Shayna left... there goes my last buddy... Yeah, I was, wow... people would talk to me and I would say "WHAT? YOU'RE CRAZY!" and... I meant it. I thought there was a full moon or something. Maybe there was, maybe we were all crazy. I wanted to put a bullet between the eyes of every panda that wouldn't screw to save it species. I think I'll dedicate every journal entry to a friend. This one goes to Kim. Kymberli! For those of you don't know her, Kim is a girl I met about a month ago, and from the moment I came within five feet of her I knew her. The window was tinted, but I stared right at her without seeing her and I was like... wow. She rolled down the window and I was like, yeah, thats her. We talked about Donnie Darko and it was like we'd been friends for years. I walked along a path along the creek at my pace, and nervous Abe and Tall Chick walked off with their long legs all snobby like but Kim stayed back to keep me company cause she's cool like that... and I was like... nah, this is probably just like with my good ol' fan where at first I thought we had so much in common but later I realized she just kinda went along with whatever I said to make it seem like she was who I wanted her to be... and then I was like, be real, and she was different, not really, because she was the same person but... weird. But Kim, no, she's weird. And heres why: She's like me. Yeah, like, if I switched minds with her, you probably wouldn't notice. In fact, I could probably do that because we are so alike... I always wondered what it would be like being different people, Freaky Friday style, but, with her, I don't wonder. Its like I did. Except she's a cooler version of me. Heres whats weird about her: She's stress-free. Like, you could put her in the middle of the street in New York with taxis honking all around her and she'd simply blink, then look at the pretty buildings. That, and she doesn't get moody. You could stay at her house, beat her in her favorite game, eat her food, keep her up all night and the next day she'd still be happy and have a smile on her face. (Hypothetically, of course... not like I would do that!) In truth, I don't think I'm half as cool as she is, I only say we are the same because I wish it. But, either way, three cheers of Kim! She is proof that my list for a girl is not completely unrealistic. Maybe its possible Nate will one day find a girl he likes that will like him back. Kim gives him hope. Hurray for Kim! Sometimes I think I really should have a point before I start typing, but thats not my style. Even though I don't think I learned anything in writing this, it kind of gave me a perspective on things..... I'm not crazy! (Hows that for short, Phil?) 1 Dead|nat's

I'm sorry [28 Sep 2004|04:34pm] [ mood | hungry ] [ music | Pavement - Summer Babe (Winter Version) ] Everyone else's journal today started with "I'm sorry" so I thought I'd do the same. For those of you that don't know, Shayna was mad at me for messing with her, which is a good reason, I suppose, for someone to be mad at another... but anyway I told her thats nice, and we had a conversation about why I don't appologize and by the end of it she decided to appologize to me. So what was this wonderful reason? I can't remember... it was too late. I think it was basically that if a kid falls down and you say "Are you okay? That looked painfull" the kid cries... but if you say "Yay! Wasn't that fun?" the kid laughs. Appologies just piss me off, as far as I can tell. So I'm going to appologize to everyone to try to prove or disprove this theory. Phil, I'm sorry for using you all the time, you know, like how you give me head and I don't return it. Its wrong and I know it and I'm sorry. Jeff, I'm sorry for bringing girls to your trailer and pissing off your mom. And for losing to you in arm wrestling. You bastard. Shayna, I'm sorry for fucking with you. You deserve happiness. Go get it. And here's another song for ya, in the same vein as the Chicken Song... yes, by AFI, who else? I will never want to date you while I can learn to hate you. If you somehow learn to love me, well, that's just my luck. I would never care if you only wanted my friendship, but somehow you're disappointed that I'm not a slut. I don't want to fuck you. I don't want to fuck you. I don't want to fuck you, so fuck you. In my mind there is no doubt that you've been in and out of many different backseats, many times before. I can always see your defeat when I won't leave the front seat. And it seems your disappointed that I'm not a whore. I don't want to fuck you. I don't want to fuck you. I don't want to fuck you, so fuck you. Kim, I'm sorry for beating you three times in a row at your favorite game. I guess I can't really do anything about it since it was a dice game and I got yahzee three times in a row, and on my first roll no less... I mean, 440 points! And I never played before! Hahahaha! *victory lap* Wait... I guess this isn't much of an appology... poor Kim... and you know how you were complaining that you were your own person and people needed to stop telling you what to do? Yeah. Keep doing that. Hallei, I'm sorry for telling you a bunch of stupid stories about a buncha stupid people you don't know cause you must be bored out of your mind. Why do you even talk to me? You poor poor girl. You know you're my coolest friend and everyone else sucks ass right? Cool. Congrats on the car. Tall Chick, I'm sorry for taking advantage of you when you were drunk. And, if you don't remember, then, haha, I'm just kidding. I would never. Abe, I'm sorry you're such a dumbass. In the words of Kurt Cobain: Just because you're paranoid don't mean they're not after you. Jenn, I'm sorry for the time I went out with Grace and Laura told me to say you had a fat ass and I said it cause you didn't and I thought it was funny and you didn't but it was... and also telling you "Isn't it funny how you came out of your mother, and I came in her?"... Mr. West's wife cry because of that? Its FUNNY Travis, I'm sorry for pissing off your girlfriend by boning her friend in my car. Also for messing up your make out session in my backseat when I swerved off the road and into a ditch at 50. You were right, I suck at driving in the dirt. On a straight road, too... I suck. Cory, I'm sorry for hooking up with your girl every time you went to work and trusted us to sit there and watch a movie. Also that time when I fucked your girl's friend when you were in the same tent... it was rude, you were always so concerned about me around your girl and I didn't return the favor. Sorry, man. Kirsten, I'm sorry I don't live there. You're awesome. Also sorry for getting you pregnant. Brian, I'm sorry that the time you finally came up to Santa Rosa sucked... I don't remember promising you hot chicks I have no idea what I was thinking, of course there aren't any of those. They're all crusty. But thats okay, your girl is awesome. You should keep her. Matt, sorry for that time I said we'd go to the beach and I was too tired to pick you up. Corinne, same thing. Alaina, same thing. Evil Jeff, I do kinda feel bad about my conspiracy to fuck with you... I guess convincing you to quit your 18 dollar an hour job and claim sexual harrassment was kind of bad advice, and joining the army was worse, but at least you lost that fucking Focus... and no, I'm not sorry for grabbing the tits of any girl you ever liked plus convincing them to hate you. Fuck you. There... is everyone pissed off? I guess I don't really want my theory to be right anymore. 4 Deads|nat's

Mooo.. eat me! [27 Sep 2004|06:13pm] [ mood | apathetic ] [ music | The Shins ] Ever be in a place where you regret nothing? I had the chillest weekend! I went to a very hidden and guarded party (why? I dunno). So I didn't invite you. But I would have had I could have. Although I would have invited you and my brother and you would have hated each other and fought and spilled alcohol all over the oija board and Midori's lip rings would have been torn out when you fought but it would have been entertaining. You wouldn't have liked it though. Want pictures? Of course you do... there's Jeff's cool dragon tattoo and me looking drunk even though as you all know, I'm a 20 year old virgin when it comes to alcohol (and a few other things). So that was Friday night... (I'm not including the weekdays cause those are as eventful as yours) and I must say... the afterparty (Saturday morning) was awesome... one of those great all-nighters (although everyone else was sleeping and I was the only one awake... how did it remain cool? A miracle of science. Or drugs. I don't know which, I don't remember... Kim told me I kept her up by talking to her and Tall Chick claims I grabbed Abe's ass and... I forget what else. But it was cool. I woke up everybody at 5 and was like "Lets go to the beach!" and Abe the bitch was like no I don't want to... or maybe he didn't, maybe that was tall chick, I don't know, I don't remember, but we all got up at like 8 and drove to IHOP but it was full so we went Lyons instead and I forgot my wallet so I ate part of Tall Chick's omlette and a few of Kim's unlimited french fries, but the waiter didn't come back to fill up the water. NO TIP FOR YOU! (As if I had money anyway) so we stopped by Jeff's and stood in his driveway and everyone claimed I was talking too much... (I think thats the first time that happened? Probably not... oh be nice.) And I realized how much standing still sucks... so we watched the Big Lebowski on Kim's projector in a lighted room (dah!) although tall chick and Kim were trying to sleep and I laughed at the entire movie cause I was tired out of my mind and every time I did it would make Tall Chick's head go up and down and I tried not to laugh but Steve Bushemi is awesome. I called my brother to see what time I had to work and he was like uhh we already set up and I was like WHY? Its only like 4 and it doesn't get dark (for the projector) till uhh... 8 and he was like yeah get down here if you want money so I drove down going 20 miles an hour at the most to Petaluma where they were having a Grease Festival (because that was the movie we was showing) and they all ran around in poodle skirts and Elvis sang Houndog like ten times and I was so tired I thought I dropped 20 bucks and walked around looking for it for like an hour then finally went to Wendy's but ended up hitting up Taco Bell and it was actually nice service for once and I was like wow and I got back without hitting anyone. We watched Grease... but the DVD skipped and 2,000 people booed us while some dude came up and said "Here, try the non-skipped DVD" and I was like uhhh why didn't we try that before? But I didn't care cause I was tired and I just smiled goofily at everyone and we took everything down, I drove to Phil and Jeff's and we watched uhh... Finding Nemo I wanted to see the turtle but fell asleep before it. Hows that for one paragraph? Next day I woke up laying next to Phil and Jeff on a futon and Jeff got the wonderful idea (where? I'll never know) to tell every girl on Phil's AIM list that he was gay and got like ten offers for unlimited sex. Shayna was "mad" at me because tall chick was talking to her on Jeff's name telling her that he loved her or something... and yet she still asked if I wanted to go to homecoming and I was like uhhh... only if you pay. THATS RIGHT! I ain't even bringing my wallet... so Kim and Tall Chick showed up and while doing so apparently pissed of Jeff's mom or something... and we hit up the Golden Spoon, some frozen yogurt place chicks dig because its nonfat (although it has the same calories... dumbasses) and banana was actually very good and we also stopped by Raley's to get Phil some Vagina Bears which we all snacked on... we watched "The Relunctant Dragon" and it was every bit as awesome as I remember when I was 7, and Phil put on The Wall and Tall Chick finished up her homework and by this time it was dark and I was like where the hell did the weekend go? As I walked out to leave with Phil, his eyes went wide when we "caught" Kim and Tall Chick making out... haha... it was classic... yeah, Phil, they were waiting for like three minutes for us to open the door... how uncomfortable, holding a pose... all for you Phil! Haha, yeah, I know you were faking, posers... no one fake makes out like I do... But as I dropped off Kim on my way home I made a comment about how nice her bed is and she was like want to take a nap while I do homework? And I was like.. um.. well... yeah! And I lay there listening to the Shins (they're so relaxing... they rival Bob Marley) and Kim and I talked about nothing, it was really swell. So I left in a good mood and headed home and put on a jazz station of all things... it was great, wish my CD player worked but yeah... thats another story. Hows that for a weekend? You wouldn't have liked it, you say? It was awesome! Everyone I hung out with was like, the best! And to all of you I didn't hang out with... (What the fuck am I talking about? No one is going to read this...) lets hang out next weekend, mmmkay? Yes, I do realize that I won't be up next weekend, but all the same... nat's

Introduction to Nat's journal thingie [27 Sep 2004|04:47pm] [ mood | chipper ] [ music | Modest Mouse - Tiny Cities Made of Ashes ] Hey friends! And if you not my friend, its okay, you probably think you are my friend because I have issues with being mean towards people I don't respect. I'm only an ass towards the people I really love. So if you're angry at me, that means you're a very special person. Ha! Can you believe the crap coming out of my mouth? Yeah... well anyway, I'm writing this to get rid of that, cause when I have a conversation with people over here and then walk ten feet away and make fun of the first people its stupid and I'm just a rumor weed (watch Veggie Tales for that reference) in other words, a bitch. And Nat is no bitch. Well, okay, I am, but I don't wanna be. So thats the point. This is the cold hard truth. If it pisses you off, don't read it. If I don't talk about you, thats probably a good thing, because like all people I focus on contraversy and stupid crap that should really be ignored. And all the really good, great stuff is just kinda of put aside in a happy memory. What do we focus on? Darth Vader, man... the people trying to kill us. They get more attention than the orphans we adopted. Well, at the moment I'm leading a pretty stress free life so maybe it'll be good stuff... but you'll be bored with that, won't you? Hahaha... yeah. nat's

navigation [ viewing | most recent entries ]